My life until now has included an eating disorder. For anyone else out there who has suffered the misery of an eating disorder I can only say you're not alone - and it's good to know that I am not alone too.
Why did/do I have an eating disorder? I am not sure - it could be as a result of:
* An acrimonious divorce between my parents when I was 5.
* Several episodes of sexual abuse which took place between the ages of 6 and 12.
* Bullying in school
Or more likely a combination of the three. Whatever the reason, I absorbed feelings of:
* Not being quite "good enough" for the world
* Fear
* A need to hide myself away
* Low self-esteem
* Anger
* Social and psychological immaturity
* Sadness
...and I am sure there are many others which don't exactly spring to mind at present.
My life now?
I'll be 40 in February.
I'm married to a wonderful man who is so kind and understanding about my feelings around sex.
We have a 3 year old son who I utterly adore.
I'm a health visitor
I am having treatment for depression at present which is all tied up with my ED.
My ED? I haven't said - it's "binge eating disorder", comfort eating, compulsive overeating - call it what you will.
As a child I could escape the chaos and disruptions around me by disappearing into a book - food helped me to hyperfocus on my reading and shut the world out - it's a way of coping which I never lost until now. I haven't binged in nearly a month - yahoo!.
This blog is to help me to focus in on my feelings around food and how I use it to medicate my feelings. It will be self focused, introspective and totally selfish but if this stops me binging and helps me to find other ways in which I can cope then I do not regret it one inch. If I inspire somebody else along the way then I'll be even happier.